Troma vs. Metallica: This Time, It’s PERSONAL!
[Napster Series, Part 2]
posted in `Roids |
By Lloyd Kaufman and Adam Jahnke
Early this morning, Troma L.A. employee John Santos (or, as Napster knows him, “posthole”) decided, instead of his usual method of kick-starting the day with our bottle of Troma Team Whiskey, to log on to the ole Napster to rock out with his cock out to some jazzy tunes. What he got instead was this message:
Voices of Resistance:
Troma.com webmaster (in 2000),
Steve D., and Flavor Flav
What prompted this litigious action from Metallica? How did we get to be one of the 317,377 fans that Lars Ulrich fucked over in his pointless asshole search for so-called “copyright infringers”? A quick look at Troma L.A.’s Napster playlist revealed that four long months ago, perhaps before Metallica had even heard of Napster, John did in fact download part of a Metallica song: “Fade To Black”. That’s right, we have been completely blacklisted from Napster thanks to a two-and-a-half minute song snippet. Not even the whole shittin’ ass song. A song that at least one person in the office had already paid good money for years ago (back in the good old days when Metallica was still making music worth paying money for) when he bought the “Ride The Lightning” album. Just because we were too damn lazy and stupid to bring the album into the office, we are now branded as thieves and forced to wander the World Wide Web, searching for MP3’s hither and yon.
Troma urges music fans everywhere to fight this outrageous action taken by Metallica. Instead of hiding behind cowardly anonymous lawsuits, we challenge Lars Ulrich, James Hetfield, Kirk Hammett and Buddy Ebsen (or whatever the fuck the bass player’s name is) to a round of ultimate kickboxing against Sgt. Kabukiman, Toxie, Dolphin Man, and Killer Condom in front of the Troma Building at high noon. We’ll even give them a fighting chance and let them try to bring back the undead body of Cliff Burton (though we’re pretty sure he’d be on our side).
Kiss My Tromass, Metallica!
In the meantime, we would like to demonstrate to Metallica how to take the high ground and share intellectual property. Some time ago, on their VH1 Behind-The-Mucus program, the band used the Toxic Avenger to describe James Hetfield’s on-stage immolation. We could take them to court for copyright infringement. We could ban them from Tromaville and request that they refrain from using Toxie, or any Troma characters, to attract viewers. But we won’t. Troma respects all our fans, even the filthy rich ones who feel the need to squeeze every last dime out of each and every note of music they have ever recorded. Metallica could learn a thing or two from Troma. We only anally violate our fans with giant monster cocks when they ask us to (and believe me, they do ask).
As for John Santos, he hopes to someday be sued by the band so he can meet them in court, get his Master Of Puppets album signed and ask the one question on everyone’s minds, “What the fuck happened to you guys?” Until then, Metallica can kiss our banned posthole.
What follows is the mix of legal mumbo-jumbo bullshit and veiled threats that popped up when we followed the link sent to us by Napster. If you don’t want to read this crap (and who can blame you if you don’t), jump to our final paragraph where we have a gift for our fans.
If your Napster software redirected you to this page it is because Napster has received an allegation from Metallica (and its related businesses Creeping Death Music and E/M Ventures) that your user name or handle made available through the Napster system allegedly infringing materials. Metallica stated to Napster that it considers infringing materials to be:
“only the songs and recordings originally included on commercially released Metallica albums, and [to] not include so-called bootleg Metallica recordings. Metallica makes no claim of copyright infringement with respect to recordings of their songs made by fans at Metallica live concerts.”
Metallica has provided Napster with your user name asserting that you were a person who was making available the types of allegedly infringing materials described above.
Due to the nature of the documents delivered by Metallica and the methods used in collecting Metallica’s information, Napster cannot itself determine whether or not the files that you were sharing fell within the category described above that Metallica claims are infringing. However, under the Digital Millenium Copyright Act, 17 U.S.C. Section 512(c)(3)(vi), Napster will disable access when, as here, it has received a notice from a copyright holder claiming under penalty of perjury that you have made available material infringing his rights.
Policy for Counter Notification
In compliance with the DMCA, 17 U.S.C. Section 512(g), Napster will reinstate any user who disputes Metallica’s allegation of infringement via a sworn “counter notification,” and who after that counternotification is provided to Metallica, is not sued by Metallica within ten (10) business days.
In order to submit a counter-notification, you must certify, under penalty of perjury that you have a good faith belief that you were disabled as a result of Metallica’s mistake or misidentification of files you shared as infringing. Your account will remain blocked unless and until you submit a sworn statement of all the information contained in the “counter notification” form found below. That form must include your full real name, address, Napster username, and your consent to being sued by Metallica in the federal court where you reside.
If you supply a “counter notification” form, we will send a copy of that “counter notification” to Metallica. We will restore access to your account within 10 to 14 business days thereafter, unless during that time our Designated Copyright Agent receives notice from Metallica that it has filed a legal action against you seeking a court order to restrain you from engaging in illegal activity.
If you believe you have not in any way infringed the copyrights of “Metallica songs or recordings originally included on commercially released Metallica albums,” and that you were designated by Metallica by mistake or misidentification, you may choose to submit the following sworn counter-notification.
Counter Notification Form
ATTENTION: THIS FORM IS A LEGALLY BINDING DOCUMENT 1.
I hereby state under penalty of perjury that I have a good faith belief that access to my account has been blocked as a result of mistake or misidentification by Metallica of allegedly infringing material made available by me through the Napster service, and that I have not made available through the Napster service any songs and recordings originally included on commercially released Metallica albums.
In the spirit of free exchange of ideas, Troma is proud to offer its fans the Loose Nuts’ theme song to the upcoming “Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV”. It is our belief that you will hear the song, love it, and want to buy more albums by the Loose Nuts and see the movie on the day it opens. Please download and enjoy, even if you’re a member of Metallica.
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