Lloyd Kaufman

I recently attended the highly-popular and critically-acclaimed Toxic Avenger Musical in the always radiant town of New Brunswick, New Jersey. On the ride home from the George Street Playhouse, I decided to stop at the local 7-11 and pick up my favorite after-hashish treat, the Hostess Snowball! I could barely control my drool at the check-out line as I waited to purchase my coconut-mallow-covered chocolate cakes. After returning to my car, I slowly peeled away the wrapper, revealing the soft, bosom-shaped treats with their hidden, cream-filled surprise (don’t ask, don’t tell). I licked my lips and bit into what I thought was going to be heaven on earth. What happened next is both unspeakable and unfathomable: the Hostess Snowball tasted like sawdust! Shit-dipped sawdust! For a moment, I was shocked, but on the ride home I realized that more and more of our delicious snack foods are being changed for the worse.

People want to run our lives and spoil our guilty pleasures, all in the name of political correctness. If eating Hostess Snowballs is going to cut some years off my life, so be it! I resent the fact that someone is fucking with the beloved Hostess recipe under the guise of some philanthropic gesture. I don’t know if they are trying to cut costs or eliminate trans fats but, either way, they are turning one of my favorite snacks into crap.

And this crap isn’t just being force fed to us at our convenience stores; it’s being smeared on celluloid and projected onto the screens of our local movie theaters. The best way to describe mainstream movies these days is with one word: safe. Well, “dogshit” also works. The devil-worshipping mega conglomerates take these films, which may have originally inspired free thought and expression and turn them into warmed over, dumbed-down remakes and sequels. There are very few films “pushing the envelope” these days which leaves me depressed and flaccid. I guess the media giants are afraid that people who get their hands on some true independent art might actually start thinking for themselves. But this may all just be the insane ramblings of an old, gay married man.

I’m just tired of being told how to live my life by phony billionaire populists. Al Gore flies around the country in his own personal jet, consuming millions of gallons of oil. This is a man who has spent his entire life living off taxpayers and tobacco limited-partnerships. If I’m not mistaken, he owns $200 million dollars of Google or Yahoo stock, which was given to him because he was the Vice President. Fat Nanny Gore wants to tell us poor folk to stop driving cars and heating our homes in order to conserve our precious oil. If he really wanted to put an end to global warming, he’d tell the world to stop eating meat. Science has proven that 90% of the gases causing global warming are coming from the farts of domesticated animals. And I was blaming Barbara Streisand’s farts this whole time! It doesn’t end there: If Gore and his nanny posse had guts they’d suggest that oil consumption could be curbed if we stop buying CD’s and DVD’s (which are made from oil) and watch our movies on the Internet, an Internet which Baby Gore claims to have invented. Now there is an Inconvenient Truth!

While living like Marie Antoinette, rich hypocrites like Hillary Clinton and John Edwards lecture us on how to downsize our lives. Ultra-rich Hildog was on the Wal-Mart Board of Directors. The lying adulterer John Edwards lives in a house where energy costs exceed the budget of every Troma film put together. These wealthy populace leaders are yapping about all this bullshit when, in reality, there are more important problems out there that these dick-trees don’t want to touch:

In Africa, millions of kids are dying from malaria – all because our government can’t donate mosquito nets that cost ten cents a piece. People are starving on the street, shitting and pissing themselves, while Al Gore is thousands of feet in the air complaining that his Frappuccino isn’t made from soy milk.

I personally think that something like Darfur is a little more important than second-hand smoke, trans fats, global warming, or any other catastrophe that these fucks have created. I say all these liberal assholes can go cluck themselves! I don’t complain about the global effects of their Starbucks coffee or that Whole Foods is too god damned expensive! I’m so pissed off right now that I’m going outside to smoke a cigarette. I just have to remember to stand 50-feet away from the fucking building before doing so.

But I digress. As I drove on the highway that fall evening after the musical premier, I looked over at my half eaten Snowball sitting on the passenger seat. It stared back at me as if a rape victim. Well, it was! The one thing that I learned from that fat egghead Dr. Phil is that you need to pay attention to the victim’s needs. My little buddy wanted to be eaten. I couldn’t help but to oblige. I grabbed him and shoved him into my mouth. I swallowed, gagging on the sawdust-flavored, white creamy substance as it slid down my throat. I held the empty wrapper and thought to myself, “What would Al Gore do?” So I tossed the wrapper out of my window.

To close this blog, I’d like to include the lyrics to a little song we were sent from Tony award-winning musician, Lil Wayne. It’s a favorite on my iPod and it goes a little something like this:

(Sung to the tune of “What a Wonderful World” in a voice much like Louis Armstrong)
I see piles of trash…….. limousine liberals too
and nearing doom….. for me and for you
And I think to myself…. what a wonderful world.

I see overweight kids….. with no GEDS
No bright blessed days….for these unmarried gays
And I think to myself …..what a wonderful world.

You have to smoke fifty feet away…..and never inside
There is no more wasting of energy….. Al Gore defines
People slapping our hands…..saying, “I rule you”
They’re really saying……I love you.

I see Africans starve…… while Americans grow
The conglomerates are in control….. and Troma movies are never shown
And I think to myself ….. what a wonderful world

Lloyd Kaufman
with the help of Will Zuidema and Matt Lawrence

This entry was posted on Monday, March 9th, 2009 at 1:48 pm and is filed under `Roids. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.