Lloyd Kaufman

Cows + Farts = Not Funny
By Lloyd Kaufman w/ Justin A.Martell

Greetings from Tromaville!  I spent pre-Halloween in beautiful Toronto, Ontario, where, at the historic Music Hall on Danforth Avenue, The Toxic Avenger Musical opened for the first time outside of the United States.  While there, I gave twenty or so interviews to various journalists who wanted to hear what this old war-whore…err…war-horse of politically incorrect…I mean…politically conscious, independent cinema had to say.

As I explained to them, The Toxic Avenger Musical is brilliant, hilarious entertainment on many levels. It deals with a great number of vital political and social issues such as: gay rights, drug abuse, and most important, the environment.  I’m grateful to the creators of the musical, Bon Jovi’s David Bryan and Broadway legend Joe DiPietro, for writing a play that does not shy away from controversy.  As the original Toxic Avenger was way ahead of it’s time in 1982 by confronting chemical pollution, the writers of The Toxic Avenger Musical have opened the door for all of us to take on the next major environmental concern: BOVINE FLATULENCE.

If you’ve read my books, you have learned that the secret to my success as a screenplay writer is “Fat + Farts = Funny.”  However, there is nothing funny about “Cow + Farts.”  You see, the earth is home to 1.5 billion cows.  These cows belch and fart every 40-90 seconds.  At the end of the day, each cow has emitted 200-300 gallons of ozone-destroying methane adding up to a grand total of 200,000,000,000 gallons – and that’s every day!¹   These smelly, beefy statistics are “udderly” staggering.  The damage done by these animals to the ozone layer in one day far exceeds any damage done by any human sources.  Cows, pigs, sheep, chicken, and other livestock contribute additional gas of their own.  With the majority of these animals being raised for human consumption, the answer is clear: anyone really serious about protecting the environment and fighting global warming must help to lead a massive campaign to slow, and perhaps end, the consumption of meat.

I, myself, eliminated beef, poultry, and fish from my diet some time ago²⁺ because I am concerned, not only with the billions of gallons of methane pollution caused by cows everyday, but with many other issues associated with raising livestock for slaughter, such as:

• According to The Independent, these animals produce another 100 additional harmful gases and are responsible for two-thirds of the world’s emissions of ammonia, which causes acid rain³.
• The thousands of acres of non-human, fecal polluted farmland in the southern and mid-western United States that is a direct result of too many animals inhabiting these areas of land.
• The cruel treatment of animals at slaughter houses, which we confronted in Tromeo and Juliet⁴ and, of course, Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead⁵.
• 80% of America’s grains are grown specifically for feeding confined livestock, with 22% of all wheat production being turned into feed, and ultimately, American livestock being responsible for the consumption of 5 times the amount of grains than the American population.  If the consumption of meat was cut back, these crops would be available for human consumption.
• The thousands of acres of oxygen creating, ozone protecting rainforest that are being cut down to plant soy beans to feed French pigs⁶.

Al Gore made a big, environmental splash with his film An Inconvenient Truth.  He was hailed as a hero, awarded an Oscar, received a Nobel Peace Prize, and was all but ejaculated on by every member of the mainstream media, etc, etc.  The real inconvenient truth, however, is that if Gore had any intestinal fortitude he would have included, in his film, that meat consumption is a heinous contributor to global warming!   Perhaps he has failed to confront the carnivore issue because then, for once in his elitist life, he would have to take a courageous and unpopular stance. Where are our so-called “progressive” leaders on this issue!?  They are all safely tucked away in their liberal limousines!  If Gore and his cronies had any guts, they would talk about Bovine flatulence!

I call upon you, the Tromatized legions, to not be “cowed” by the limo-liberal, global warming scare-mongers, and take the cue from The Toxic Avenger Musical.  Please help Troma in our efforts to help save the environment and rescue the 300 lb, 6 foot, 6 inch, 14-year old boy at Wendy’s that is about to take a bite of a hormone-filled Baconator, from ending up like Jared in the explosive diarrhea, homage to Paul McCarthy scene from Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead.  We must send a message to our hypocritical elected officials and flavor-of-the-day celebrities that anyone who actually wants to solve the problem of detrimental climate change can’t continue to ignore the very real problems caused by Bovine flatulence…And no, I’m not bullshitting you, folks.

Sources:

1. http://www.greendaily.com/2008/07/18/bovine-flatulence-contributes-to-global-warming-aka-cow-farts/
2. http://www.independent.co.uk/environment/climate-change/cow-emissions-more-damaging-to-planet- from-cars-427843.html
3. http://www.all-creatures.org/articles/env-factory.html

[1] And to think, when we were growing up, I thought my brother Charles’ farts were bad!
[2] Though, I have had a lot of trouble kicking the urge to feast upon human flesh.
[+] Editor’s Note: The Troma Team can attest to the validity of that statement; Lloyd has a habit of eating our interns.
[3] Not to be confused with taking acid in the rain.
[4] How many times have I told you cows scream on their way to the slaughter house?” – Juliet Capulet
[5] We also proved that the artificial growth hormones used to beef up livestock do cause people to turn into Chicken Indian Zombies
[6] Not to be confused with French women

This entry was posted on Friday, November 13th, 2009 at 4:22 pm and is filed under `Roids. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.